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Little Noddy and TwoBigEars

 

If you hear Little Noddy’s tinkly bell ringing

stay alert

 
 

Don’t be fooled by Ian Fleming’s old fat bloke disguise …the black clothes, the grey hair and beard

No man on the planet has ever grown up and Ian is no exception. He’s about 5yrs old now, which is quite mature for any man!

If you’ve ever connected with Ian on any social media platform, you will recognise the endearing ‘Little Noddy’ profile pic that he has used constantly for 20+yrs. Unusual, but apparently nothing about the world has made much sense since he was about 5yrs old

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Little Noddy has always tried to look after Ian

 

Obviously there’s a story behind this…

It goes back to winning a prize at a fancy dress competition as Noddy with his big brother Peter as Big Ears. They are two of the characters from the Enid Blyton Toy Town books

Maybe Ian is just a big kid…, but he’s been learning to make friends with that inner child… Little Noddy and to look after him with all his childhood insecurities

It’s a great adventure, but turns out that it’s really Little Noddy who is looking after Ian. Inner child and adult…, they’re both innocents abroad. According to Ian they’re both very funny, but also very serious about helping everyone in toy town and having fun

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It is actually a two-way street…. they really do look after each other

Hmmm…

That’s an interesting if somewhat unusual arrangement… how did that happen?

 
 
 

Who|Kills|Kittens?

and other Puzzles|Without|Boxes

 

Oh dear…

That seems to have taken a rather dark turn

 

That may be an example of near-diversity in action…

 
 

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to do a jigsaw puzzle without the box lid of the picture you’re trying to assemble, but I’m sure you appreciate it would be very problematic

Who kills kittens…

…was one of the many mysteries that Ian set out to solve as a child

Doesn’t he look like a sweet untroubled child, but the truth is he had already tried to kill himself twice before this cute photo of him and his sister with the kittens was taken

One of Ian’s most important tasks as a child was hiding the kittens inside the house so that the Tom cats from the village wouldn’t kill them

 

A little known fact about neuro-diverse children is that many have a high degree of anxiety that often leads to suicidal ideation. If the jigsaw box has no lid, to a child it may seem that the picture they’re assembling of themselves is all wrong. They’re all WRONG

For Ian the world seemed to be a very dangerous place and his pieces didn’t seem to fit together at all. Kittens, rabbits, hamsters, birds, turkeys, lambs, Jesus and even baby sisters all seemed to be killed and Ian didn’t understand who was responsible. It was probably his fault and perhaps he might be next

A bit more about the inside of Little Noddy’s head: Puzzles without boxes

 
 
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the trouble with ian

So what’s the real story behind this sweet, if somewhat troubled child?

As always it isn’t just one thing. A combination between the neuro-diverse ‘developmental differences’, the specific faith background of his family circumstances and the societal tensions that erupted into communal violence within Northern Ireland - to name but a few

 

developmental differences

Developmental_DISORDER(s) or Hyper_ABILITIES

  • Dyslexia

  • Dysphraxia

  • Dyscalcula

  • ADHD

or the alternative/preferred term coined by Ian that doesn’t label a person as Dysfunctional or DYSanything

  • GiftFlexia - he is GiftFlexic

 

mental health issues

  • Generalised anxiety disorder

  • Depression

  • BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

  • Dissociative Fugues

  • CPTSD

  • STSD

  • OCD

 
 
 

the trouble with troubles

As an already sensitive child, who experienced ‘troubles’ unrelated to the communal violence between Unionist/Protestants and Nationalist/Catholics during the Northern Ireland Troubles, …his childhood trauma was greatly added to by the ever present shootings, bombings, riots, paramilitarism and heavy security presence

 

theTroubleWith.... 

contains some of the content from the forthcoming book Borderline- - - - - - - Stranger in a strange land, by Ian Fleming. They are comprised of a series of short stories/essays that describe aspects of the life-long struggle with dyslexia, dysphraxia, dyscalcula, etc., that helped mishape Ian's childhood experience, alongside Northern Ireland's murderous sectarian struggles - somewhat euphemistically understated as it's 'troubles'. Of course all human beings are born to trouble... we wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Chronology | incidents/life path

  • KaBoom - Broken - 29.03.2011

  • Bang - 23.10.2000 Lagan Towpath - tunnel - stress related - Tunnel vision - the tunnel under the motorway

  • Mother’s death - Oct 2001

  • Deterioration of marriage

  • Father’s death - Dec 1999

  • Finding incendiary device - Aug 1978

  • Jumping out the window - Mount Vernon workmates - Rushpark workmen

  • Manning the barricades

  • Going walk about

  • Seeing Santa's sleigh and reindeers on Christmas Eve

  • Peter accidentally standing on my hand - impaling it on barbed wire

  • Witnessed boy being beaten in the field beside our house - "what's a catholic"?

  • AWOL Running away

  • First suicide attempts (age 4)

  • Born twice (Born Again at age 4)

  • Getting electrocuted at Carnalynch, Co. Cavan (age 3)

  • Felt responsible for death of baby Ruth

  • Sense of being a 'wrong-un'

  • Born once - Jan 1961

Medical conditions caused/exacerbated by trauma

  • Tinnitus - White noise

  • Meltdowns - panic attacks

  • Bed wetting to age 17

  • Nose bleeds

  • Fainting episodes

  • Psychosomatic paralysis in hand

  • STSD (Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Mental health difficulties led to

  • Agoraphobia - don't want to leave house

  • Living in a dissociated stupor

  • Rotting food, mounds of rubbish - Lord of the Flies

  • Isolated from former friends

  • Unable to do any work

  • Problem/impossibility of expressing anger

  • Extreme distortions in thinking - murderous planning

  • Detailed planning & rehearsals for murder - not carried out

 

As a result of the trauma experienced , children will respond in various creative/defensive ways to cope

Mental health coping mechanisms

  • Repression of traumatic memories - subconsciously blocking out events that would cause distress

  • Suppression of feelings - an internal mechanism that becomes 'noisy' within me and disrupts my brain if feelings arise

  • Arts practice - exploring identity - 'paradoxical schizophrenic' not a paranoid schizophrenic

  • Creative ways of staying alive in the face of Trauma

  • Redirection of obsessive/compulsive urges into art

Recovery

  • Multi-layered flashbacks

  • Authentic memories re-experienced

  • Disintegration/reintegration

  • Incredible levels of personal and professional support

  • Understood I would get much worse before I got better

  • Can't/don't rush the recovery process

  • Apologise to those around for injury caused by 'emotional' flying glass/splinters

  • Realisation that there is no conductor for the orchestra

 

What is wrong with that fella?

Ian’s thoughts about himself

  • It never felt OK to be Ian Fleming

  • 'I' don't exist - no sense-of-self

  • Body and mind felt disconnected

  • Terrified of technology - constantly fighting the fears

  • Did not feel part of my family

  • Banging a ‘round peg into a square hole’ - BangBangBang

  • There was a genuine basis springing from childhood trauma

  • An overly controlled childhood

  • Great difficulty with expressing emotions

  • Problem/impossibility of expressing anger

  • Feelings - an internal mechanism that becomes 'noisy' within me and disrupts my brain if feelings arise

  • Not part of family - the lost boys - no mother - Ruth

  • don't show emotions - bury them - suppressing emotion

  • No agency - people pleaser - I led a double life

  • Didn’t know how to soothe myself

  • stood up to bullies and fought to defend others

  • slow motion version of being in an explosion

  • fear of the dressing gown on the door of my bedroom

  • Memories/ feelings as fresh as the day I suppressed them - self defence mechanisms

  • Don't like to be in large crowds - UDA parade

  • Are you listening to me

  • The inner voice - can't be bothered - order/disorder

  • Risky behaviours

  • Organising/taking medication

  • Difficulty taking care of self - eating

  • Body dysmorphia - shakes/tremors - spasms

  • Obsessive/compulsive

  • My dead mother - won't take care of me

  • My house - living in a coffin

  • Post Birth Trauma Disorder

  • Self-deception - lying to yourself

  • The voice on my shoulder

  • Over complicate the hell out of everything

  • Hyper organised or hyper disaster

  • The man in black

  • Multi-layer/multi-track/multi-channel - Device control conflict/interference

  • Does Ian Fleming exist if it/(s)he isn’t observed?

  • On Having No Head.

  • There is no self? There is no I - a stream of consciousness... a river

  • No conductor for the orchestra

  • No answer to Q: what do you want

  • my faith/belief - doubts/loss of faith journey

  • extreme distortions in my thinking - murderous planning

  • detailed planning & rehearsals for murder - not carried out

  • Surrogate person - using the TV, radio or some other 'tech' that plays music

  • crush my emotions to the point where they have little power over me

 
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CrashBangWallop

So it seems that one of Ian’s favourite hobbies is having mental breakdowns

The image below of the Camlough Road Roundabout, near Newry with an inset of Little Noddy’s CrashBangWallop into a tree is the place where Ian last attempted to take his own life in October 2014.

Just how many times did Ian go BANG!?

The Highlights

  • 2014 - last suicide attempt (age 53)

  • 2011 - KaBoom - Broken (age 50)

  • 2000 - Bang - Lagan Towpath (age 39)

  • 1976 - Jump out window (age 15)

  • 1965 - 2 suicide attempts (age 4)

 

View of the Camlough Road roundabout, from the Dublin/Belfast Railway line as it passes over the ‘Egyptian Bridge’. The flyover above the roundabout is the A1 Newry Bypass dual carriageway

 
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